(((Assailment of the Pork))) By: Invader Temlin Zim let out a long aggravated sigh, that sooned turned to pure horrific yelling. Zim: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Why do you torture me so!? (Points accusingly at the blinking "Don't Walk" sign) You, is it you, with your evil color changing hands of flashy doom, who wreaks havoc on my plans to dominate Earth!? (Notices onlookers) I mean-my quest to make sure everyone on this planet has enough squegee brush fluid. (spectators smile and continue with their lives) Woman: Oh what I nice little boy. I had trouble understanding what he was saying since my attention was brought to the beautiful checkered rainbow, the dancing mushrooms, and the weird Scottish fish in the street over there, but I'm sure his intentions were good. Husband: (Muttering to himself): I knew we should've just called an ambulance. Zim: Gir, we are going home. Turn on your-(glancing around) Gir where are you!? (In the distance we here Gir.) Gir: Ooooh.(Staring blankly at a panting dog; eyes become red) Yes, my lord! (Eyes turn green once more and begin swirling) I will obey.AND EAT TACOOOS!!! Wee hoo-hoo!!! (banging on his head) Zim: Excellent idea Gir. Grab that-that.stink beast for an.experiment. Now prepare for the evil laugh! ( Pulls out small tape recorder for dramatic effect) Tape Side B: (Gir begins dancing) The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout; down came the rain a- Zim: Ahem.wrong side.(switches tape to evil music: Side A) BWA-HA-HA-HAAA! Gir: (Disappointed) Aw, I like that song, I saw it on TV. Just like my favorite movie: The Revenge of Mr. Revenge and his Deep-Fried Woodland Creature: Revenge the Squirrel. It starts out like this: FBI WARNING: Federal law provides severe and civil and criminal penalties for the una-unauth-oh, I can't say it! Zim: It's unauthorized, Gir, but we have no time for that, now grab the stink beast. Gir: I will obey. (Gir jumps, eyes swirling, on the head of the dog. He then leans over and looks into its eyes) Hi ho Silver! (The dog yelps and runs wildly about with the face of Gir's dog costume obscuring its vision. Gir rambles off random phrases from various things he has seen on TV) Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. and for the low price of 5 installments of $62.95 you can own your very own. shoe polishers are so wimpy these days so I have created the Shoe Shine Deluxe Kit-Box-Thing-a-majig. You may be thinking, "Hmm, that looks like a miniature car buffer, but that's because- Zim:Gir, enough! Suppress the squeely Earth child! Gir: Oh, okaaay.(Gir whispers in the dogs ear and it comes to a sudden halt collapsing on the ground. Gir is flung of and into a Coffee Shop window) Wow, let's do it again! Zim: What did you say to it!? Tell me, tell MEEEEEE! Gir: I told him (deep male voice) Hello, you have reached the AHHHHHH I'M LOSING OXYGEN hotline. If you are losing air press 1 now.if you are in need of lungs or other such pulmonary organs press 2....NOW, and if you are a dog being ridden by a little green roboty thing your lungs have shriveled and you will collapse suddenly on the ground. Thank you and have a nice day. Zim: Good work, Gir, now back to the lair. Later, at the gnome-secured fortress, deep in the Earths withering bowels, is the laboratory. Zim: Gir, fetch me my tweezers.Gir? (Gir was once again in a trance in front of the dog) Gir, get away from that thing before its stink rubs off on you! (The dog starts licking Gir) Gir: Aw, I think I'm in love.(Shakespearean voice) but no, I cannot love thee, for thou art a carpeted Earth baby, and low, I am from the planet Irk. Never hast our races lived in peace. I don't think I..(begins drooling) yay, all this love makes me sick!! (jumps on Zim and starts banging on his head continuously, singing) I'm gonna be sick, I'm gonna be sick, doo doo doo do- Doorbell: HEY STUPID, SOMEONE KEEPS PRESSING MY BUTTON!!! I mean ding-dong. (Gir jumps down) Gir: Yay my pizza's here! (upon opening the door Gir sees Dib) Hiya bug-eyed boy, are you my pizza? Dib: Uh.no. (looking around) Do I have the wrong house or something, cause I don't think- Gir: (British accent) Sorry ol' bean, but I haven't the bloodiest idea of what you speak.of. Would you like to come in and discuss this over some tea and-PIZZA! Dib: I thought this house belon--tea and pizza?? What kind of crazy little green dog has tea with pi-OOF. (Dib is knocked flat on his face by the Bloaty's Pizza Hog delivery man. Gir begins hugging the box) Gir: (regular voice) Yay, my pizza's finally here. (fantasizing) I'm gonna take him on walks through the park, on the ferris wheel at the Zimmy Doom Irken Invasion festival, and then we can play a rousing game of shuffleboard. Dib: Aren't you forgetting something? Gir: Ummmm.oh, right. Then I will teach him how to roller skate. Dib: (hitting himself) No, your British accent. Gir: Oh right. (still regular voice) Um.this is my British accent.uh.no oble Engles, ci, taco, salsa, and.bye! (closes door) Dib: What the-? (knocks again) Gir: Oooh, master the big headed boy is back. Zim: (walks to door) Dib?! What are you doing here?! Dib: I've got you this time, Zim! You're plans have failed. Zim: WHAAAT!? What could you possibly keep in that oddly misshapen head of yours that I do not know of? Dib: It's your.dog, Zim. Zim:Giiiir!? What have you been telling him!? Gir: ...nothiiiiiiiiiiing.... Zim:Gir, please tell me you haven't told him of plan number 5783! Gir: (head starts twisting and he drools) Could beeeeeeee. Zim: (angry) Giiir? Gir: I dunnooooo. Zim: Gir, you leave me no choice; go smack your head in the refrigerator. Gir: (eyes red) Yes, my lord. (turn back green as he runs towards the kitchen) Yaaaaaay!! Zim: Ok, Dib, what is wrong with Gir? Dib: Your dog is weak, Zim. He opens the door for anyone, he even let me in. Now, since I have dispensed valuable information, I want you to leave Earth. Zim: Are you black mailing me? Cause it's a little late for that, don't you think? Dib: As a matter of fact I am black mai-oh great. You got me this time, Zim, but I'll be back. (starts running and is tripped by a squirrel/turns back to Zim) I will get my revenge on you Zim.and that squirrel!! Zim: Gnomes, follow him. (the gnomes do as asked and chase Dib down the street as Zim laughs. Zim then observes Gir smacking his face in the refrigerator door. One of his eyes fall off and roll away) Gir: Yay!! It hurts so bad yet I am overjoyed! If only there was 3 of meeeeee... Zim: (to himself) Dib was right! If I can harness the dogs hypnotic power I could inject some of it into Gir causing him to become more powerful and intelligent! After producing a fluid containing the dogs brain juice, as Zim calls it, and other chemicals, he pours the concoction into a syringe. Zim: Ok, Gir, put the piggy down and get over here. Gir: But piggy loves you. (rubs the pig on Zim's face as Zim tries to give Gir the injection, but misses and stabs the piggy) Zim: Look what you did, Gir! Well it shouldn't have any effect, but now I will be required to make more. Gir: AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! YOU STABBED HIM!!! NOOO!! TAKE MEEEEEEEE!!! Zim continues working in the lab and Gir watches the Scary Monkey Show, when suddenly the piggy, now sitting in front of the TV, expands to 60 times its original size. Gir: Could you please, uh, move? I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!! The pig begins walking down the street into the city crushing all bystanders. Zim, due to the horrible pounding and crushing of the pig's feet, has arrived to find large craters in front of the TV. Zim: Gir, what have you done!? Gir: The piggy a sploded, like this: KA-BOOOOOOM!!! Yeah, it was great! Zim: The pig blew up!?!? Gir: Of course not.it just stretched out! It was bigger than our house!! Zim: We must catch that pig! In the city a policeman is the only one to notice the huge stuffed farm animal crushing Lou's 70's Disco, established 1982. Cop: (over intercom) I need back-up, quick! There seems to be a large.pink.object destroying the city! P. Station: What is your position? Cop: Uh, I'm on a road, a black road, uh, next to a grayish sidewalk, and, uh, I'm write under a street light. P. Station: We need more details. Cop: Well excuse me, sorry for not being a best-selling author! Zim arrives in his spaceship and interrogates a rag-wearing old man on the street. Zim: You! The passed out one! Hobo: Huh? Zim: Where were you last night when the piggy was alone? Hobo: Huh? Zim: WHERE DID YOU SPEND THE NIGHT!? Hobo: Uh, in a ditch. Zim: I'll believe you.for NOW! (to himself) Maybe if I can get the pig back to the lab I can figure out how to get him back to normal size. Gir!? Gir: Yes, sir! Zim: Gir how do you suggest we get the pig to regular size? Gir: I miss piggy. He was just like a piggy to me (sniffle) (Gir runs up to the large animal and tugs at its hoof) Come back to me piggy!! We could bake cupcakes with those little fish that come in a can. Pig: (looks down, a tear rolls down his synthetic skin) Sardine.cupcakes, I love those. If only I was small enough to even fit in a kitchen once more. You don't no how hard it is being huge. Gir: I think I doooooooo.(suddenly 20 plus tanks rolled in out of the side streets aiming directly at the monstrosity) Commander: Please step away from the pork. If you do so you will not be harmed. (the pigs eyes flashed red and it began demolishing builidings) It got bigger and bigger when suddenly one man fired without command and the pig exploded, and the day finally came when it rained bacon. J However, right where the large animal once stood there laid a small stuffed animal unharmed and unaware of the past events. Zim would have been happy if he wasn't in a coma from being hit by 75 pounds of pork. The days went by and Zim was still in a coma. Gir watched him everyday eating pizza over his master's face and letting the cheese drip on his eyelids. That night when all was silent, something stirred. The seemingly inanimate stuffed pig blinked and its eyes glinted as it arose from the floor and walked down to the lab. Throughout the night sounds of smashing machinery and raging fires could be heard from the lab. Zim would awake from his coma the next morning only to hear Gir's screams of "Yay, that burns!!!